My 20th Birthday

Today is my birthday. My 20th. =) I wonder why birthday is so special to, if not everyone, most of us. What makes it so important? Anyway, i just feel like today is my day. That 6th October is booked only for me. Lol. I thank God that He has brought me through in life all these while. That i can even reach 20 years old! =)

I’ve asked God for a birthday present. I wonder when He’ll show to me and what it is. I hope i’ll be sensitive or alert enough to know when He do.

I’ve been struggling with certain things in uni, especially regarding my future relationship. I’ve so many candidates of guys here in uni whom one of them i rather like to be with and i know he likes me too. But he doesn’t know Jesus. And this creates a big barrier between us. I hope one day i can have the opportunity to share God with him and his eyes will be opened to see that we have an Almighty God who love us so much! I’ve been controlling my affections on boys. I really don’t know what will happen next. Whether i’ll just be in a relationship with a non-Christian or i’ll choose to wait till God brings one. But i want to be faithful, i really want to. And i want to have a husband in the future whom loves God AND is into mission too. I know it’s really hard to find this combination. God says don’t be double-minded. I’ve chosen Him. Lord, help me to choose to wait! My heart is wanting to pour out my love and affection on a certain special one. I’m still waiting. But i really hope it won’t be too long.

Well, i’ve been having too high expectations on my birthday, that at last my friends will give me a surprise cake or something. But in the end, i’ll be let down. I’ve been thinking too much for myself during my birthdays. But this year, i want to do it differently. I’ve been putting low expectations. I can’t blame anyone as me myself don’t really take interest on others birthdays. I want to be thankful today. I want to bless people instead during my birthday. Actually i learnt this from my associate. She used to go to the orphanage during her birthday because she just wanted to bless. So, i want to do it for today too. I wonder what can i do? God, You show me. =)

Halted path

Since my last post, my walk with God had gone pretty bad. I didn’t pray, read His Word or communicate with Him in whatever ways! In the beginning, i just felt i couldn’t fast FB and the entertainment because man, i’m in holiday now and have nothing to do. I couldn’t fast from food either because i’m staying at home which means mum is around. After that failure in fasting, i felt pretty guilty towards God as i’ve promised to Him etc. I kept telling myself tomorrow only i’ll turn back to Him, tomorrow, tomorrow. But ended up i didn’t for 2 weeks. I guess some laziness too hindered me from doing so. 😦

I don’t want to be double-minded anymore. But my will is so weak! I want to seek God yet i’ve not much urge to contain me for long.  I want so much of the pleasure this world around me can offer. The complacency i can indulge in. The constant need of entertainment. I just can’t help it.

I hope everything will turn towards the better when uni starts. Holidays always kill me.

 

Desperate

Oh my. It’s so hard to fast from FB. I so wanted to play Maple story in it seeing i’m now on holiday and have nothing much to do! But i’ve made a declaration and promise to fast for 40 days. Fortunately i made that declaration in twitter so that kind of help me to live my words as its public.

Just have to focus on why i fast. I want to show God that im desperate. Desperate for so many things. First, desperate to see changes in my youth and my cell. Desperate for Holy Spirit to increase anointing in me and to be increased in me. Desperate for my country too, well that i need to ask God for more of that desperation. I’m also desperate for God to reveal His heart to me. I want to know Him more and to be able to discern more. I want to see things from His point of view.

So yeah, that’s why i fast. Focus and persevere! I can do this.

Now, its day 2. 38 days to go!

 

Nightmare

Yesterday night was a hard night for me to sleep. I’d been waking up a lot of times. The first time was because of a nightmare. I felt that the nightmare was pretty a significant one. I was at my parents’ room in my old house. I saw evil spirits everywhere. At first, they were outside. I was with my parents and brother. I told them there’re evil spirits but they couldn’t see. So, i started praying for all of us loudly. Well, i never prayed like this in front of my parents before because they didn’t like it. So, in the dream, the response was the same as what i expected from them. My dad was ridiculing the prayer i was making. But i continued to pray. Being in a dream, i always cannot speak in tongues. So, i couldn’t yesterday night. It was pretty slurry when i did. I was really scared in that dream until i woke up.

I checked the watch and darn, i only slept for one hour. I felt really uneasy and started praying to God, interceding for my family. I felt like the dream is the same case as the current situation. I could see the danger, the work of the devil, the evil spirit while my family couldn’t. All i can do is pray and bind these spirits in Jesus’ name and to pray over protection for my family. After praying for them, i felt the need to pray for my cell members too, in view of this 40 days of fast and pray. When we’re working towards God, the devil in the same time are working twice as hard to draw us away from God. Well, after that, i felt so tired i just slumped back to sleep. Before that, i thought back why this dream. Perhaps yesterday night, i was searching for horror movies for my mum to watch. I was trying to search those kind that is not that disturbing or evil or dirty etc. I felt that God does not delight in us watching horror movies. Well, will try to avoid them. Maybe not for the zombies kind. I actually find them pretty comical and funny.

 

God maintain CF

I went to KHS CF the day before yesterday, which was a Friday. Actually i wasn’t that sure whether i want to go, but Noah called me up and said he’ll be skipping his lecture class to go. So, i went.

I felt pretty happy and grateful that God has blessed CF. I still remember the struggles at the start and the cries to God. Indeed, whatever God has started, if it’s His plan, He’ll see through it. 🙂

I pray that God will give them the skills to lead and teach. That souls will be raked into heaven.

Fast FB for 40 days

I’m embarking on that 40 days of fasting and praying nationwide call. Well, i didn’t really have a good start today because i didn’t have time to pray about what to fast yet yesterday and today i was so tired. But i pray for greater days ahead and a good end.

In church today, uncle talked about it. In the end, unknowingly, i’ve made a decision to fast on FB for 40 days! Wow, what a tall order, in view of my one more month of holidays. What am i to do at home? Well, i guess even if i sit and think about what to fast, i know i should fast on FB because it is my pleasure for so long and even so for this one month. As i couldn’t fast on food, FB is my only choice.

I believe this is where more power can be exuded by such fasting. I really want to see transformations and to see God’s Spirit to work in people’s lives. Though at times, like now, i don’t feel like it because i’m tired at the aftereffects of yesteday’s events, i know deep in my Spirit, i do want those.

Lord, give me the anguish for my people. Reveal to me Your Heart Lord in these 40 days.

My cell

I asked C to prepare herself for the assistant leader role. Well, that’s because Uncle B approached me about it. I guess i’ll just take my chance with her. I feel she’s really not bad. She has the heart to lead and she has made herself available.

I’m looking forward to leading my cell these coming months. I feel that God has given me the patience. He revealed to me that i cannot choose the people in cell. Iit’s not like a company where i can fire people for not meeting my “perfect” expectations. I’ve to work on the soil God has given to me, no matter what condition the soil is. God will make it fruitful. I’ve to work on those people, whatever their weakness is. To enhance and encourage them to put to work their skills and etc. Slow and stable is the key. Perseverance.

Anyway, when me and the two C’s sisters were talking, they revealed to me that our cell consists of people who had felt left out in youth in the beginning of their time there. The quiet ones. I feel it’s really not by chance they are posted to my cell. We just match.

I hope that when uni starts, i can be able to continue the momentum of things in cell. Cheers for a fruitful time of growing in the Lord with each other! 🙂

What a day!

I’m so tired. Yesterday was really a whole long day of event. Morning woke up at 6am to go morning watch. After that, rushed home and took a short nap and breakfast. At 10:15am, went to church again for cell group. For cell, i felt like i’ve that patience in slowly cultivating them. Slow and stable is the key. After that, fetched most of them back home or to tuition so reached home at 1pm something. Went back home again to bathe and have lunch, then rushed to church again for music practice at 1:45pm. At 3:30pm, we departed to Bangsar community hall for worship concert night. Went for sound check first, then before the event, went to the nearby mall for some food. At 6pm, the event started. Sang songs for our slot and joined others in worshipping when other churches’ bands came up. Right until 11pm the event finished. Went back to Sg. Long for mamak supper until 1:00am. Then was driven and reached home at last at 2am. What a day! I was so dead tired today. Slept my whole afternoon.

 

 

Decisions

I feel bad about blaming my mum for the decision she had made regarding my brother. Well, i can’t deny some of the decisions were pretty not wise but still i didn’t realise until after the slight argument that she had tried her best. I know it was not entirely her fault. My dad plays a very big role in this. It is very important for a father to train up his child especially sons by being a good example and by disciplining him. My mum has done her job, but i doubt my father did. Well, perhaps its his way, i know he meant no harm. But this still really did affect my brother in his upbringing. To have a weak father figure is a real handicap to the family. I hope i can be more wise in this area. To relieve my mum’s burden upon this. I know now my brother has to make his own decisions into how he is to live his life. But i pray that he’ll choose to live it fully. I pray that he’ll come to know God.

Anyway, during lunch, mum talked about the aunty who came yesterday. She is a Christian (i think not the same “kind” of Christian than i am), and she is not married. Mum said its because she spent too much time in prayer. I wondered about it. Will i risk my marriage in God’s service? Absolutely yes! There is no way i should forsake God just because i want to be more acceptable to men and popular within them. I trust in God that He has the best plan for me. If He wants me to marry, He’ll bring the one He’d chosen for me. Even if i’m not marrying, i will still follow Him. Nothing is impossible with God. It’s  too not worth it to forsake God for men and marriage if i must choose between one.

Studying of God’s Word has gone well. At least, i started last night and understood so much of Scripture. Thanks to the commentary. I’m also studying the life of William Carey. Still in the beginning but i realised that its because of his persistence and heart to pray, he made it.

Oh, i read the mission minded child book. I felt its pretty timely. I’d been wanting to know ways to encourage mission in youth. Without knowing this book helps the reader to do so, i read it and was simply amazed by so much i can do. And i have to do away the thinking that the mission vision is unreachable among youth. I’ve to do away the thinking that mission is optional, though its an unconscious thought or flesh thought. Now i KNOW i’ve to really think in God’s way rather than in men’s way regarding heavenly and eternal things.

Plans

Today is the 1st of August. I love the beginning of each month because to me, it shows that i can always start anew even if i had some bad ones behind of me. Though i love it, i hate it too, if its drawing towards the end of the year because that means another year will be gone so quickly. But well, for this August, i love it. Probably because i’ve had some plans in mind regarding the study of the Word and also because its a preparation phase before uni.

I’m going to embark on a bible reading plan. They cover the basic things a Christian needs to know. I was actually quite shock and ashamed that there are so many things i don’t know yet. The plan i am going to follow through is actually for young in faith Christians. I guess though i’ve known God for almost 5 years, i haven’t really gotten to know firmly the basic things about Him! So yeah, my plan is to study them, and then in the same time, to teach the things i studied to my cell members. I hope they’ll grow in it too.

Besides that plan, the 40 days of fasting and praying is approaching. The Malays started their fasting today. For me, i’ll be following that 40 days plan. Hopefully i can fast too! I pray that these 40 days will be another time i learn things and an adventure that will produce testimony. I’ve started to answer this 40 days call to fasting and praying since my first year of being a Christian. I remember when the time comes, i’ll retreat to a place overlooking my school field during recess to fast and pray. Looking back now, i can’t say that i’m not amazed by the old me. It must be the Holy Spirit that prompted me to actually fast and pray though my other Christian friends didn’t do that. Well, eventually, i attracted quite some attention and people (non-believers and believers) started asking me why am i doing this. Some of them started accompanying me in this journey. Anyway, i guess its a waste i didn’t call my best friend who are also a Christian to do that as well. I guess the distance between our classes is the factor of it? Or maybe i did ask, but she declined? As i remember, i did ask some of my other Christian classmates, but they didn’t want to. Mostly because they’re busy during recess and one of them couldn’t take it to fast. Well, i’m going to encourage my cell members this time to fast and pray together. I hope that they’ll catch this particular vision!